Jokes Or Funny Stories

[Focused]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.”
“Now ... We have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your end of the bargain."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

[noreply66]

Exercise: Doing multiple circuits of the mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

[BubbleGumTiger]

How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.

[noreply66]

Ouch--lol

[Charley Hustle]

If a Republican doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.

If a Democrat doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!''

[noreply66]

I can't come into work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work.

[noreply66]

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally I shouldn't come to work because my employee records may now contain false information.

[noreply66]

The EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands. I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Dear Abby,
My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims.. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed, Lost



Dear Lost,

Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the idiot for 4 more years.

Signed, Abby

[Tiger Lady]

Dana Perino (FOX News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries that he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?


"Oh, no ma'am, we don't go there to talk."

[TRENCHFOOT]

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[Charley Hustle]

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

[noreply66]

[noreply66]

Don't unplug it. This will just take a moment to fix.

[BubbleGumTiger]

If a Republican is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.

A Democrat wonders who is going to take care of him.

[noreply66]

No problem. You can make it . That train isn't coming that fast.

[TRENCHFOOT]

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[BubbleGumTiger]

If a Republican doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.

Democrats demand that those they don't like be shut down.

[TRENCHFOOT]

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