Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

There was a knock on the door this past Saturday morning.


I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:


"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."


So I said "Come in and sit down."


I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"


He said, "Beats the sh!t out of me! Nobody ever let me in before."

[BubbleGumTiger]

What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

"Will the defendant please rise."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him

hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

[noreply66]

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit. When her turn came around, she rolled the dice and landed on "Science and nature."

The question was " if you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name do you hear them?

With a thoughtful look she asked, is it on or off?

[BubbleGumTiger]

I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant.
It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex…

[BubbleGumTiger]

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

[noreply66]

Manly men never say...........I'll take Shakespeare for 1,000, Alex

[BubbleGumTiger]

What's the definition of 'Macho'?

........... Jogging home from your vasectomy.

[noreply66]

Deja Moo...........The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

[BubbleGumTiger]

If a Republican decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.

If a Democrat decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.

[BubbleGumTiger]

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

[noreply66]

Cloths make the man. naked people have little or no influence on society.

[noreply66]

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

[BubbleGumTiger]

"LOST CHURCHES OF NEW YORK AND NEW JERSEY"

*When devastating hurricanes struck the East Coast, even
houses of worship were not spared.

A local television station interviewed a woman from New
York's Harlem area and asked how the loss of churches in
the area had affected their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know 'bout
all them other peoples, but we haven't gone to Church's in
years. We gets our chicken from Popeye's."

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.


They live among us, AND THEY VOTE.


Now you understand how we got our president!

[BubbleGumTiger]

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?"
the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

[wink]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?"
the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

YOU CAN DRAIN MY TANK !!!!!

[noreply66]

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines

[noreply66]

Manly men never say .......I need the sideburn trimmer

[BubbleGumTiger]

A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him

hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."