Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football players life?

Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman IIl

[BubbleGumTiger]

Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through
the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

[BubbleGumTiger]

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

[BubbleGumTiger]

NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no sign of ESPN,
beer or porn.


This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars.

[BubbleGumTiger]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband
and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was,
the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up,
walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand,
he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched
- with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly
sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,

But on Fridays, I fish."

[BubbleGumTiger]

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......my wife manages to get on every friggin one of them.

[BubbleGumTiger]

I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.They're brilliant...It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex…

[Leo Byrd]

The American Indian Counsel has requested that the NFL disassociate itself with Indian Names.

The Washington Redskins will therefore change their name to the Washington Foreskins in honor of all the pr!cks in Washington DC, effective immediately .

[BubbleGumTiger]

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

[BubbleGumTiger]

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

[BubbleGumTiger]

An Illinois Congresswoman ( Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it
was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand
the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

[BubbleGumTiger]

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

[Leo Byrd]

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

[BubbleGumTiger]

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Subject: Annual Dementia test

Your Yearly Dementia Test
(only 4 questions)



Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important
To keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test.
Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.
Take this test to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.


#1. What do you put in a toaster?




Answer:
'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and go do something else.
And, try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question #2.


# 2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?



Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women’s Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question #3.







# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks anda pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?





Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said 'green bricks', why are you still reading this??? PLEASE, go lie down!
But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.

# 4. Do not use a calculator for this:
You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia .
In Staten Island , 17 people got on the bus.
In New Brunswick , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Windsor , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Trenton , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Bristol , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
And, in Camden , 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Philadelphia Station.
Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?




Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?!?! It was YOU driving the bus!


If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!

[BubbleGumTiger]

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

[BubbleGumTiger]

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

[BubbleGumTiger]

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.