Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

[BubbleGumTiger]

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

[BubbleGumTiger]

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Broken pencils are pointless.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Enclosed you will find my 2013 tax return showing that I owe
$3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today
newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department
of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per
toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6)
hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total
remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election
Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them
one (1) 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today
newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head
Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look
forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer

[BubbleGumTiger]

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without
forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next
morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for
him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the
shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very
happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to
open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free
haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[BubbleGumTiger]

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Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,
but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room.
It's bigger than mine
and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce,
it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have
little children
of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little sh!t is adorable.

[noreply66]

:aaaaa8

[BubbleGumTiger]

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

[BubbleGumTiger]

I KNOW MANY OF YOU (LIKE ME) ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO FOOTBALL SEASON. WELL, HERE'S A LITTLE RECAP OF LAST YEAR.........
Coincidence? Just wondering...................


Alabama beat Arkansas,
and Arkansas fired their coach.
Alabama beat Tennessee,
and Tennessee fired their coach.
Alabama beat Auburn,
and Auburn fired their coach.
Then Alabama beat Notre Dame, and the Pope resigned.......
Darn, I wish the White House had a team!

[BubbleGumTiger]

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

[BubbleGumTiger]

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

A thesaurus.

[BubbleGumTiger]

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

[BubbleGumTiger]

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two young businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a$$-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

[noreply66]

I remember him saying that---lol

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man brings his best buddy, home for dinner.
His wife screams at him,
"My hair & makeup are not done,
the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in
my pajamas & I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!!!
What did you bring him around for?"

"Cause he's thinking of getting married." answers the husband !!

[BubbleGumTiger]

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a
blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde turned to Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did
a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's
fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM
news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards ..
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards ..
The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father . .."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many .
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"
The priest, getting impatient, said . "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."