Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"

"For goodness sakes , if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Sex Research (could be handy)

If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome,

now I understand why they call you handsome!

[BubbleGumTiger]

Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.

The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "

[BubbleGumTiger]

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a TEXT:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you!

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied,

" I am on the commode. Please advise."

[BubbleGumTiger]

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

80-year old Susie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since high school.

They rediscover each other via a reunion web site and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Kansas and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia
and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked. "Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the social worker. "Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker. "Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.
"But," protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation) "are you never together as a family?" "Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

Government workers are so very smart. Aren't you overjoyed that they'll soon be handling all our
financial, educational and medical dilemmas?

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite
cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.

It was absolutely wonderful,
it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried,
the cow would move away from the bull,
and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to
the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife is from Scotland!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

[BubbleGumTiger]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

A thesaurus.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

THE NURSING HOME.

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

How do you like it here?" asked the grandson"

It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you,since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile.
"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!
There is a judge in here - he's 95 year old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor.
There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!
And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me ''The Friggin Arab''.

Allah is great.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called 'The KEY'
where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and
can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a
brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted 'The Key'.

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key and
the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young
looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had
to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible
bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."

[BubbleGumTiger]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples....'

[TRENCHFOOT]

[BubbleGumTiger]

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

[BubbleGumTiger]

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.