Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.



"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but

I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."



Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"



"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...

'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

[TRENCHFOOT]

:122245

[BubbleGumTiger]

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man goes to a golf pro for some advice. "Well, what should I do?" asked the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.
The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.

The next day, the wife went for her lesson.

The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP!-- the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands.

[BubbleGumTiger]

He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said.... You wear pants don't you?

[noreply66]

He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said.... You wear pants don't you?

lol

[BubbleGumTiger]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female...... Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

[Charley Hustle]

Morning advice to my son...If you quit school, just remember two things.

1. You tried your best

2. I like extra pickles on my Big Mac

[BubbleGumTiger]

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male..... Playing football without a cup.

[TRENCHFOOT]

:122245

[BubbleGumTiger]

A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak
until directed to do so.'
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'
Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'
'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his offic.
'You may say two words today.'
'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.
'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

As I approach my twilight years, I am struck by the inevitability that the party must end. And one clear, cold morning after I'm gone, my spouse will awaken in the warmth of our bedroom and be struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't "anymore." No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more "just one minute."



Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, or say "I love you."



So while we have it, its best we love it, care for it, fix it when it's broken and heal it when it's sick.



This is true for marriage.....and old cars, and children with bad report cards, and dogs with bad hips, and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.



Some things we keep -- like a best friend who moved away or a son-in-law after divorce. There are just some things that make us happy, no matter what.



Life is important, like people we know who are special. And so, we keep them close!



Suppose one morning you never wake up, do all your friends know how you really feel? The important thing is to let every one of your friends know your true feelings, even if you think they don't love you back.



So, just in case I'm gone tomorrow, please rest assured I voted against that a$$hole, Obama, both times.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn and Ruth were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Ruth, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Ruth got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

[BubbleGumTiger]

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." The engineer bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog—now that's cool."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied.
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied.....'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

HillaryTakes Muslim Name


TERRORIST ACTIVITY HAS CAUSED THE DEMOCRATS TO TAKE MEASURES IN ORDER TO PROTECT THEIR CANDIDATE FOR THE 2016 PRESIDENCY.
FOR SECURITY REASONS, THEY HAVE SUGGESTED THAT HILLARY HAVE A MUSLIM NAME.




SO FROM NOW ON, PLEASE REFER TO HER BY HER NEW MUSLIM NAME:



SELDOM BIN LAYED

[BubbleGumTiger]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the Day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

[BubbleGumTiger]

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?