Jokes Or Funny Stories

[noreply66]

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied.
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied.....'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

If it would have been my wife ...she would have put some of the little life savers around the popsicles to keep them floating.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies and sagging pants arrive. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back."
St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, “Well, they're gone.

“The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St. Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied … "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."

[BubbleGumTiger]

!
Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don't really give a sh!t what you think."

[Runner]

I read that smoking was bad for you.....so I quit smoking.
I read where drinking was bad for you.....so I quit drinking.
I read that sex was bad for you.....so I quit reading!

[BubbleGumTiger]

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ............ but they kind of taste like peppermint

[BubbleGumTiger]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching FOX News he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago

[BubbleGumTiger]

Lee Trevino: a true story, you gotta love him.
One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino,
a professional golfer and married man,
was at his home in Dallas ,
Texas , mowing his front lawn, as he
always did.
A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac
stopped in front of his
house, lowered the window and asked,
"Excuse me, do you
speak English?"
Lee responded, "Yes Ma'am, I do."
The lady then asked, "What do you
charge to do yard work?"
Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets
me sleep with her."
The lady hurriedly put the car into gear
and sped off.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

[Charley Hustle]

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

[BubbleGumTiger]

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" Mean the same thing?

[BubbleGumTiger]

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they've passed

[BubbleGumTiger]

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

[BubbleGumTiger]

THE T.S.A. DISCLOSED THE AIRPORT SCREENING RESULTS





JUNE 2012 STATISTICS ON AIRPORT SCREENING FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND

SECURITY:





TERRORISTS DISCOVERED

0





TRANSVESTITES

133





HERNIAS

1,485





HEMORRHOID CASES

3,172





ENLARGED PROSTATES

8,249









BREAST IMPLANTS

59,350





NATURAL BLONDES

3





IT WAS ALSO DISCOVERED THAT 535 MEMBERS OF CONGRESS HAD NO BALLS.





Thought you'd like to know...

[BubbleGumTiger]

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

[TRENCHFOOT]

[Runner]

Watch what you buy on Ebay!

Before ordering anything from Ebay, make sure you check out person selling the items. A friend ordered a p.enis enlarger for $195. When he received his order and opened the package, all that was inside was a magnifying glass.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do.... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."