Jokes Or Funny Stories

[noreply66]

Now A Spelling Lesson

The last four letters in American..........I Can
The last four letters in Republican........I Can
The last four letters in Democrats.........Rats

End of lesson. Test to follow in November, 2014

Remember, November is to be set aside as rodent removal month...

never will happen with the Tea party around

[BubbleGumTiger]

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Why did the butcher make his sausages with meat at one end and corn meal at the other end. ......Because in these hard economic times it is hard to make both ends meat.

[BubbleGumTiger]

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

[BubbleGumTiger]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said,
"You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous,Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ..."Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

[BubbleGumTiger]

H.L. Mencken, Born 1880 – Died 1956, was a journalist, satirist & critic. He wrote an editorial while working for the Baltimore Evening Sun, which appeared in the July 26, 1920 edition.


"As democracy is perfected, the office of President represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day, the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be occupied by a downright fool and complete narcissistic moron."

--- H.L. Mencken, The Baltimore Evening Sun, July 26, 1920

[BubbleGumTiger]

South Korea Moving to Acquire Four Global Hawks

South Korea intends to procure four Northrop Grumman-supplied RQ-4 Global Hawks in 2014 through a foreign military sale with the United States worth an estimated $848 million, reported Reuters on Sunday. South Korea "has plans to sign a contract next year to adopt Global Hawks in 2017," said Lee Young-geol, administrator of South Korea's Defense Acquisition Program Administration on Nov. 1, according to the news wire service. The contract is expected in the first half of 2014, states the Reuters report. The Pentagon notified Congress of the possible sale of the four Global Hawks in December 2012. At the time, the Defense Security Cooperation Agency pegged the estimated cost at approximately $1.2 billion, including training, associated parts and equipment, and logistical support. In August, Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Welsh visited South Korea. He said both South Korea and Japan expressed interest in acquiring more intelligence, surveillance, and reconnaissance capabilities and expanding interoperability with US forces.

[BubbleGumTiger]

If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage, hang a banana on a string from the top. Then you place a set of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana.



As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold water....



After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result... all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.



Now, put the cold water away.



Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one.



The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.



Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one.



The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment...... with enthusiasm, because he is now part of the "team".



Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by the fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.



Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.



Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.



Why, you ask? Because in their minds...that is the way it has always been!



This, my friends, is how Congress operates... and this is why, from time to time:



ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Dont die a virgin, terrorists are up there waiting for u...............

[noreply66]

Dont die a virgin, terrorists are up there waiting for u...............

:aaaaa8

[TRENCHFOOT]

:aaaaa24 :aaaaa24 :aaaaa24

[BubbleGumTiger]

Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name. " Walter," responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Walter?" "I have four questions: First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse? Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs? Fourth, Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?" Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time.. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name. "Steve," he responds. "And what is your question, Steve?" Actually, I have two questions. First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early? Second, What the hell happened to Walter?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican. "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-crat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

[BubbleGumTiger]

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

[BubbleGumTiger]

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables..

[BubbleGumTiger]

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Your name is not Calvin Klein and you are not a underwear model so if you want service in here pull your pants up.....

[BubbleGumTiger]

I have to walk early in the morning, Before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

[Leo Byrd]

The reason baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies," while undergarments for old people are called "Depends":

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

Glad to get that straightened out.