Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment."

[BubbleGumTiger]

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

[BubbleGumTiger]

"Negotiating with Obama is like playing chess with a pigeon.
The pigeon knocks over all the pieces, craps on the board and then struts around like it won the game." …

Vladimir Putin-2013

[BubbleGumTiger]

At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

[BubbleGumTiger]

SENIOR TAX RETURN


I just received an audit notice on my tax return for 2013 from the IRS.
It puzzles me!

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question:
"List all dependents".
I replied:
· 12 million illegal immigrants;
· 3 million crack heads;
· 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, welfare, Medicaid, Section 8, etc.,
· 2 million people in over 243 prisons;
· Half of Mexico ;
· 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."
· 1 useless President.
· 1 clown in the VP office,
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

[noreply66]

1 useless president...........did they put Mr Hedge back in there

[BubbleGumTiger]

If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

[BubbleGumTiger]

And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

[BubbleGumTiger]

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,'the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks,'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks.'Why?'



'Because you got an F in sex.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons.
"So", he says to them: "Bernie , I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza .."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center .."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? The a$$hole has a paper route!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.




One was an alcoholic, one was a chain-smoker, and one was a homosexual.




The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.




While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.




The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar when he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.




As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The chain-smoker stopped in his tracks and stared at the cigarette.




The homosexual looked at the chain-smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead.”

[BubbleGumTiger]

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find
a way to lose it eventually'.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Do you know what happened 164 years ago this summer?. September 9, 1850? California became a state! The people had no electricity. The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically NOTHING has changed except, then the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands. That my friends, is the history lesson for today.

[BubbleGumTiger]

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out.

After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower.

Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to
fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.


This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the
bells.

Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded
him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of
the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting
populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can’t always hear the bells.

[BubbleGumTiger]

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."