Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

[BubbleGumTiger]

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

[BubbleGumTiger]

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and
Bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

[BubbleGumTiger]

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.

[BubbleGumTiger]

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Quote of the day by Dianne Feinstein........


Dianne Feinstein: "All vets are mentally ill in some way and government should prevent them from owning
firearms."

Yep,- she really said it on Thursday in a meeting in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee... and the quote below
from the LA Times is priceless. Sometimes even the L.A.Times gets it right.

Kurt Nimmo: "Senator Feinstein insults all U.S. Veterans as she flays about in a vain attempt to save her anti-firearms bill."

Quote of the Day from the Los Angeles Times:


"Frankly,I don't know what it is about California, but we seem to have a strange urge to elect really obnoxious
women to high office. I'm not bragging, you understand, but no other state, including Maine, even comes close. When it comes to sending left-wing dingbats to Washington, we're Number One. There's no getting around the fact that the last time anyone saw the likes of Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein, Maxine Waters and Nancy Pelosi, they were stirring a cauldron when the curtain went up on 'Macbeth'. The four of them are like jacka$$es who happen to possess the gift of blab.
You don't know if you should condemn them fo their stupidity or simply marvel at their ability to form words."

Columnist Burt Prelutsky,
LosAngeles Times

Be sure to forward this to all of the "mentally ill" vets you know. Especially the ones with guns...

[BubbleGumTiger]

There were five houses of religion in a small town:

The Presbyterian Church,

The Baptist Church ,


The United Church,


The Catholic Church,

The Jewish Synagogue,




Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels!!

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.



In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The United Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.


But The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.



Not much was heard about The Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision. They haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Priest and
a Rabbi were sitting
next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the
Priest
turned to the
Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your
faith that you not eat
pork?"

The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our
laws."

The Priest
then asked, "Have
you ever eaten pork?

To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I
did
succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with
his
reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the
Priest,
"Father, is it
still a requirement of your church that you remain
celibate?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a
part of our
faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever
fallen
to the temptations
of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was
weak and broke my
faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent,
thinking, for about five
minutes.
Finally, the Rabbi said, "Beats the sh!t out of a ham
sandwich, doesn't
it?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

[BubbleGumTiger]

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

[BubbleGumTiger]

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

[BubbleGumTiger]

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

[BubbleGumTiger]

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A buddy of mine just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

[BubbleGumTiger]

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

[BubbleGumTiger]

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds
her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in
my hand can have sex with me tonight!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,

"How soon do you need to Know?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

[BubbleGumTiger]

If you wipe your bum with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.