Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'


A passenger in coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"


He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

[BubbleGumTiger]

An aide for a cabinet member( Jan et Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .
I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he
wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between
gates to save time.''

[BubbleGumTiger]

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

[BubbleGumTiger]

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose,

But mosquitoes come close.

[BubbleGumTiger]

"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Dear Sir or Madame,

I have the distinguished honor of being selected to serve on the
Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary Clinton.
We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall
of Fame, but we were in a quandary as to where the statue should be
placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George
Washington, who never told a lie, or beside her husband William J.
Clinton, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the
difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest
Democrat of them all: He left not knowing where he was going, and when he
got there he didn't know where he was. He returned not knowing where he
had been, and did it all on someone else's money.

Thank you,

Hillary Clinton Monument Committee
P.S. The Committee has raised $2.16 so far

[BubbleGumTiger]

People are funny; they want the front of the bus,
Middle of the road,
And back of the church.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Quit griping about your church;

If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Life just gets better as you get older doesn't it.


I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me….


I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod…….. and how was your day?


This is what happens when old people start using technology!

[BubbleGumTiger]

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

[BubbleGumTiger]

If a church wants a better pastor,

It only needs to pray for the one it has.

[BubbleGumTiger]

We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or Judges.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Some minds are like concrete

Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

[BubbleGumTiger]

I don't know why some people change churches;

What difference does it make which one you stay home from?

[BubbleGumTiger]

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.