Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

[BubbleGumTiger]

God loves everyone,

But probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!

[BubbleGumTiger]

A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description
on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage
that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii .
After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California
and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their
prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of
his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW
NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother
and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Church Football

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during
the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during
worship.

Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship
when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently
do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or
water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that
should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the
sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children
and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back
on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the
congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to
any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said
during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation
not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

[BubbleGumTiger]

God loves everyone,

But probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'

[BubbleGumTiger]

2 patients limp into two different doctors' offices with the same complaint:
Both have trouble walking and may require hip surgery.

Patient 1. is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

Patient 2. sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then, pending the review board's decision on his age and remaining value to society.

Why the different treatment for the 2 patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen on Obama care.

In November, if there is no change in government, we'll all have to find a good vet.

[noreply66]

still better than what the bush-wacker offered

[BubbleGumTiger]

still better than what the bush-wacker offered

Maybe it is and maybe it's not.........

[BubbleGumTiger]

FROM THE FERGUSON POLICE CHIEF:

THE FERGUSON POLICE DEPARTMENT ANNOUNCED THIS MORNING THAT ALL GERMAN SHEPHERD POLICE DOGS
WILL BE REPLACED BY COON HOUNDS, DUE TO THE FACT THAT
THE CITY IS NOT HAVING ANY PROBLEMS WITH GERMANS.


* WARNING: If you laughed at this e-mail, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Barack Obama and Jeremiah Wright will be comin' over to deal with your racist, cracker butt....



=

[BubbleGumTiger]

I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.

[noreply66]

Better than being a R and marring all those women that look like dogs

[BubbleGumTiger]

I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn't.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Harley rider is riding by the zoo in Washington ,

DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of

her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.


The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage

and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.


Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back

letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to

her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event.


The reporter addressing the Harley rider says,

'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing

I've seen a man do in my whole life.'


The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing,

really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this

little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'


The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't

go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper

will have this story on the front page...

So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'


The biker replies, I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.


The journalist leaves.


The following morning the biker buys the paper to

see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:


U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH


...and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

[BubbleGumTiger]

I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

[noreply66]

I have been called--my kids are aware of this--dumb, crazy man, science abuser, Holocaust denier villain of the month, hate-filled warmonger, Neanderthal, Genghis Khan, and Attila the Hun. And I can just tell you that I wear some of those titles proudly.



Sen. James Inhofe [R-Ok]

[BubbleGumTiger]

I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.

[noreply66]

I think abstinence is like, like the ,uh, I don't know how to put it, like, the main,everyone should be abstinent or whatever, but it's whatever, but it's not realistic at all.

Bristol Palin--speaking in 2009 in her capacity as a self-anointed ambassador for abstinence after famously giving birth to a child at age 17.

[BubbleGumTiger]

. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.