Jokes Or Funny Stories

[Runner]

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the darn ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

[noreply66]

Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dreams.

George W. Bush 2000

[TRENCHFOOT]

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the darn ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

[noreply66]

I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a women.


Arnold Schwarzenegger....campaigning for governor of California in 2003

[BubbleGumTiger]

Here are the 10,535 pages of Obamacare condensed to 4 sentences...
As “humorous” as this sounds.....every last word of it is absolutely TRUE!

1. In order to insure the uninsured, we first have to uninsure the insured.

2. Next, we require the newly uninsured to be re-insured.

3. To re-insure the newly uninsured, they are required to pay extra charges to be re-insured.

4. The extra charges are required so that the original insured, who became uninsured, and then became re-insured, can pay enough extra so that the original uninsured can be insured, which will be free of charge to them.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is called “redistribution of wealth” … or, by its more common name, SOCIALISM.

[noreply66]

You just give me the word and I'll turn that ??????? island into a parking lot.

Alexander Haig taking to Reagan about Cuba

[Leo Byrd]

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Here are the 10,535 pages of Obamacare condensed to 4 sentences...
As “humorous” as this sounds.....every last word of it is absolutely TRUE!

1. In order to insure the uninsured, we first have to uninsure the insured.

2. Next, we require the newly uninsured to be re-insured.

3. To re-insure the newly uninsured, they are required to pay extra charges to be re-insured.

4. The extra charges are required so that the original insured, who became uninsured, and then became re-insured, can pay enough extra so that the original uninsured can be insured, which will be free of charge to them.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is called “redistribution of wealth” … or, by its more common name, SOCIALISM.

[noreply66]

It's like the neighborhood I would have grown up in. I think, if I had have grown up here.

conservative commentator and carpetbagger Alan Keyes on the place he rented in Chicago when running for the Senate.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

[noreply66]

I think abstinence is like, like the, uh, I don't know how to put it, like, the main, everyone should be abstinent or whatever, but it's not realistic at all.

Bristol Palin

[Runner]

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?' To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Still think you are having a bad day ?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

[noreply66]

If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being..


Jerry Falwell

[Leo Byrd]

Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me! I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Love it when a complicated situation can be explained in such simple terms!

* Democrats don't understand THE DEBT CEILING
* Republicans don't understand THE DEBT CEILING
* Liberals don't understand THE DEBT CEILING
* NO ONE understands THE DEBT CEILING

* SO, allow me to explain.

Let's say you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood.
Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceiling.

What do you think you should do --

1. raise the ceiling, or
2. pump out the sh!t?

Your choice is coming in November

[noreply66]

It's true hard work never killed anyone, but I figure, why take the chance.

Ronald Reagan

[TRENCHFOOT]

It's true hard work never killed anyone, but I figure, why take the chance.

Ronald Reagan