Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own
business and patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there
was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American
slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of
their car, and a " Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side,
was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah!" and took off
before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding
through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it
completely and killing everyone in it.


For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that
could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

[noreply66]

I would say the best moment of all was when i caught a 7.5 pound largemouth bass in my lake..

George W. Bush answer to his best moment in office..........isn't this the truth

[BubbleGumTiger]

Whilst strolling round the Harbour this morning about 11 am., I noticed a terrorist slip from the quayside and fall into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Canadian citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.


It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet responded.


I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.

[noreply66]

I don't know anybody that i can think of who has contended that the Iraqis had nuclear weapons.

Donald Rumfeld.....June 24,2003

[Leo Byrd]

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

[BubbleGumTiger]

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at ‘Hooter's’
to see some friends and have some hot wings and drinks.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which
waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told him "The one who knows how to fix elevators."

I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.

[noreply66]

We know he's been absolutely devoted to trying to acquire nuclear weapons, and we believe he has, in fact, reconstituted nuclear weapons.

Dick Cheney on Saddam Hussein....03/16/03

[Leo Byrd]

I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....

[BubbleGumTiger]

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,MS

[noreply66]

"Yes, I know all the bad things that happened in the war. I was in uniform for four years myself."

Ronald Reagan. referring to Nazi atrocities in a 1985 interview. Reagan spent WWII in Hollywood, making training films for the army.

[Leo Byrd]

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

[Tigercannon71]

"Yes, I know all the bad things that happened in the war. I was in uniform for four years myself."

Ronald Reagan. referring to Nazi atrocities in a 1985 interview. Reagan spent WWII in Hollywood, making training films for the army.

So you're making fun of Nazi atrocities here? Whats so funny? Im going to have to block any posts from you because I get on here to read funny stuff and you post moronic crap every day.

[BubbleGumTiger]

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

[noreply66]

We're not sexists, we're chauvinists--we're male chauvinist pigs, and we're happy to be because we think that's what men were destined to be. We think that's what women want.

Rush Limbaugh.....2004

[BubbleGumTiger]

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

[noreply66]

I'll tell you why [religion is] not a scam, in my opinion. Tide goes in, tide goes out. Never a miscommunication. You can't explain that. You can't explain why the tide goes in.

Bill O' Reilly....2011

[BubbleGumTiger]

Only in America could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 per plate Obama campaign fund-raising event.

[noreply66]

Sex and politics are a lot alike. You don't have to be good at them to enjoy them.

Barry Goldwater

[Leo Byrd]

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"

[Leo Byrd]

Only in America ...could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General and roughly 20% of the federal workforce is black while only 14% of the population is black 40+% of all federal entitlements goes to black Americans - 3X the rate that go to whites, 5X the rate that go to Hispanics!