Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

[BubbleGumTiger]

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from
the
Church. Inside
I found a fully equipped bar with
Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's
a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford
crystal glasses. On the
other wall is a dazzling
array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then
the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father,
forgive me, for it's been a very
long time since I've
been to confession, but I must first admit that the

confessional box is much
more inviting than it used to be."He
replies: “Get out, you idiot. You're on my
side."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the colour
of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'

[BubbleGumTiger]

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped
on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running
again!
As she ran she once again began to pray,
'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please
don't shove me either!'

[BubbleGumTiger]

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!

They actually have a program here at A&M that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading

the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does". "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?'"
The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Italian Pregnancy


An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.’

‘I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him ...

"You-a gonna try again!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem..
A small child replied,
'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy
father and thy mother,' she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill.

[BubbleGumTiger]

At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

[BubbleGumTiger]

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

[BubbleGumTiger]

Almost As Smart As Joe Biden

Harvard educated First Lady Michelle Obama reminded attendees of a
naturalization ceremony Wednesday that the Founding Fathers weren't born
in America . The ceremony for 50 new U.S. citizens was held at the National
Archives in Washington , D.C

She said during her speech, referring to the Declaration of Independence,
"It's amazing that just a few feet from here where I'm standing are the
signatures of the 56 Founders who put their names on a Declaration that
changed the course of history, and like the 50 of you, none of them were
born American - they became American."

Excuse me? Did she actually mean that those who signed the Declaration
of Independence and participated in the drafting of the Constitution were
not born in America ?

Benjamin Franklin was born in Pennsylvania and Thomas Jefferson,
George Washington, and James Madison were born in Virginia .
John Adams was born in Massachusetts . Only eight of the 56 were not
born in America .

Surely she knew this. But, then again, maybe not. After all, she is a
Harvard graduate. Isn't she?

"Life is tough. It's tougher when you're stupid!"

[noreply66]

A candidate said several years ago...I'm not concerned the reason you voted for me as long as you voted for me.

Failed Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O' Donnell, in response to a reporter asking if she would send out bikini photos to gain votes.



Now that is stupid...Harvard or no Harvard

[BubbleGumTiger]

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

[BubbleGumTiger]

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

[BubbleGumTiger]

A guy was in
a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good
Samaritans and
take him home.

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can
find out where he
lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more
times on the way
to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four
times getting him to
the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We
brought your husband
home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?