Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man:

$5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.

In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have

been put in a step-up

interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the

past 20 years,

you could have now bought a new Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:

Where's your Ferrari?

[BubbleGumTiger]

His mind is open to new ideas -- so open that ideas simply
pass through it. Obama lies so much, I was actually
surprised to find out his first name really is Barry or
Barack or something? Just don't ask about his middle
name! But Obama was able to set a record... He actually lied
more in one day than Bill Clinton did in four years .

[BubbleGumTiger]

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

[noreply66]

Don't confuse me with the facts. I've got a closed mind.

Rep. Earl Landgrebe [R-IN]

While serving under Nixon....." I'm going to stick with my president, even if he and I have to be taken out of this building and shot."

[Runner]

Fred and Mary got married.
But they can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, ok, tell me what you think!!!"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue instead."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

[BubbleGumTiger]

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

[BubbleGumTiger]

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Early one morning an elderly retired veteran finished a piece of artwork he had been working on for some time.

He yelled to his wife, “Hey, Honey ! Come and see what I've created !
It’s an abstract panorama depicting the six years of the Obama Administration !"

She yelled back, "Flush the toilet Sweetie, and come eat your breakfast !

[noreply66]

"I have often thought that if there had been a good rap group around in my days, I might have chosen a career in music instead of politics."

Richard Nixon

[BubbleGumTiger]

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

[BubbleGumTiger]

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!

[BubbleGumTiger]

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

[BubbleGumTiger]

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?