Good Week For

Post by **noreply66** » Tue Sep 18, 2007 7:59 am

Cheap thrills, with the launch,by the British division of the dimestore chain Woolworths,of a budget line of Champagne called Worthit! Sporting "a fresh and balanced character of fruit and cream," the French-made wine will lighten the pockets of oenophiles by a mere 5 pounds (about $10) a bottle.

Post by **noreply66** » Fri Sep 21, 2007 8:52 am

Expensive thrills, after the Las Vegas Hilton announced that high-rolle customers will now be rewarded for losing tens of thousands of dollars by being given a scenic,600 mph tour of the haunting Nevada desert in a genuine Soviet -era MiG jet fighter.

Post by **noreply66** » Mon Sep 24, 2007 8:23 pm

Transcending worldly attachments, after an elderly German man who won $4 million in the national lottery refused to accept the money because,he says, he has nothing to spend it on and no one to leave it to.

Post by **noreply66** » Wed Sep 26, 2007 9:10 am

Byran Rocco, a New Jersey man who started choking on an onion ring while driving,blacked out,and crashed into a tree, whereupon his life was saved by an exploding air bag that dislodged the obstruction from his windpipe. "The whole thing caught me by surprise," said Rocco,43.

Post by **noreply66** » Fri Sep 28, 2007 8:36 am

Sex tourism, after a surge of visitors to the Minneapolis airport restroom where Sen. Larry "Wide Stance" Craig was arrested for soliciting sex. "We had to just stop and check out the bathroom," said local resident Sally Westby,visting with husband Jon. "In fact, it's Jon's second time. He was here last week,"

Post by **noreply66** » Mon Oct 01, 2007 8:10 am

Taking a stroll in Jurassic Park, following the announcement by paleontologists that the velocrirator,the fearsome 8-foot-tall killing machine depicted in the Jurassic Park movies, was actually the size of a turkey,and feathered. "If a person saw a velociraptor today," said scientist Alan Turner," they would say, It's some really weird bird."

Post by **noreply66** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 9:09 am

The divorce problem, after German politician Gabriele Pauli proposed that all marriages should expire after seven years.

Post by **noreply66** » Fri Oct 05, 2007 9:04 am

Broadened horizons, after the Caucasian culture warrior Bill O'Reilly visited Sylvia's the famous harlem soul-food reataurant, and was stunned by the civilized behavior of the largely black clientele. "There wasn't one person in Sylvia's screaming, ----_ -_ _ _-,I want so ice tea,marveled the talk-show host.

Post by **noreply66** » Mon Oct 08, 2007 9:07 am

Queasy biology students, after Japanese scientists unveiled the latest marvel of genetic engieering: a frog with see-through skin whose organs can be studied without dissection.

Post by **noreply66** » Wed Oct 10, 2007 8:45 am

The power of positive thinking,after Zorina Kroop,63,of California,won $60 million in the lottery and attributed the win both to "the blue dot," a supposedly lucky blue dot on a piece of paper that she purchased through an ad in The National Enquirer, and to reading The Secret,a best-selling book that advises visualizing success.

Post by **noreply66** » Sat Oct 13, 2007 8:58 am

Queasy biology students,after Japanese scientists unveiled the latest marvel of genetic engineering: a frog with see-through skin whose organs can be studied without dissection.

Post by **noreply66** » Mon Oct 15, 2007 8:54 am

Conspiracy theorists, after an anti-immigrant group charged that the hologram on the new North Carolina driver's license is the work of a globalist cabal. The license's shimmering depiction of North America as a single entity, says William Gheen of Americans for Legal Immigration, is clear evidence of "a plan in the works to forcibly intergrate the economies of this continent."

Post by **noreply66** » Fri Oct 19, 2007 8:52 am

Barestool philosophers, after New Zealand scientists confirmed that moderate alcohol consumption does indeed make you smarter. To experience "heightened cognition," they recommend one to three drinks daily.

Post by **noreply66** » Mon Oct 22, 2007 2:16 pm

Oscar Wilde,who has been voted the wittiest man in British history. The Irish-born playwriter, whose famous last words were. "Either these curtains go or I do," narrowly beat out comedian Spike Milligan, Whose gravestone is inscribed with the epitaph, "I told you I was ill.."

Post by **noreply66** » Fri Oct 26, 2007 9:15 am

Practical Psychology, after Australian traffic authorities reported that a new road-safety campaign, which suggests that men who speed are compensating for having small P------, has been " very successful," The ads shows eye-rolling woman holding up their pinky fingers as a man speeds past.

Post by **noreply66** » Mon Oct 29, 2007 10:43 pm

Hardened fugitives, after a group of crayfish in Stuttgart,Germany, squieezed through the bars of a holding tank of an Asian food store, found the front door ajar, and scuttled away down the strasse, startling pedestrains.

BubbleGumTiger · Post by **BubbleGumTiger** » Sun Nov 04, 2007 8:03 pm

Good week for a Wedding

Post by **noreply66** » Tue Nov 06, 2007 8:53 am

The King, after Elvis Presley regained his proper berth as the world's highest-earning dead celebrity, Presley, who will earn an estimated $49 million this year, was edged out in 2006 by Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain.

Post by **noreply66** » Fri Nov 09, 2007 10:05 pm

Animal solidarity, after James Harris of Illinois was shot by his own dog during a hunting trip. Harris left his shotgun on the ground as he went to retrieve a downed pheasant. The dog then apparently stepped on the weapon's trigger,successfully shooting Harris in the leg.

Post by **noreply66** » Fri Nov 16, 2007 3:29 pm

Dennis Kucinich, after an international group of two dozen pilots and military officers demanded the US government begin a new investigation of UFOs. The pilots said thay had seen flying disc and glowing spheres themselves and accused the government of covering up hundreds of unexplained sighting.