Bad Week For

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Waiting patiently for help,after an elderly Florida resident finally had the power restorded to her home,15 years after Hurricane Andrew Knocked it out.Having a light come on when she flips the switch,the woman says, is overwhelming. Next up on her agenda: a hot shower.

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Not touching that dial, after police on Long Island found a man's mummified corpse sitting in a recliner before a blaring television.Coroners estimate Vincenzo Riccardi,70 died more than a year ago.

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Labor-saving devices, after Bill Lauver of Pennsylvania invented and built a robot to clear his driveway of snow,only to have wife Sue complain to the national media: "I want him to get some exercise. He's always controlling everything by remote."

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Libertines,------------after 107-year-old Chan Chi of Hong Kong opined at a feast for the city's elders that he was still alive because of regular dawn exercise,a low-fat diet,and more than 70 years of chastity.He did admit,however, to sneaking an occasional cigarette.

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Rural humor, after a Maryland legislator proposed a ban on bumper nuts,outsize plastic testicles that wry pickup truck owners have taken to affixing to their trailer hitches.It's a pretty serous problem,said Delegate Leroy Myers Jr. You have body parts hanging from the hitches of cars.We've crossed a line

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Much of Miami, after Fidel Castro called Hugo Chavez's radio show in Venezuela and said Cuban exiles would have to wait a while longer to celebrate his death."I'm gaining ground,:said Fidel,reported to be suffering from a gastrointertinal disease."I feel stronger."

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sking

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sleigh riding

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Neutrality, when a group of Swiss soldier accidentally invaded Liechtenstein during a night-training exercise.The government of Liechtenstein (population: 34,000) said it hadn't even noticed the incursion across its borders.It's not like they stormed over here with attack helicopters, said a government spokesman.

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Observing wildlife from the air,after an enraged Alaskan moose brought down a hovering helicopter with its antlers.No humans were hurt,but the moose did not fare well in his collision with the spinning rotor and had to be put down.

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First Aid, after former President George H.W. Bush collaosed from dehydration on a California golf course and later commented that the "ugliest part" of the ordeal was a male friend "giving me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."

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Leniency, after an Illinois judge allowed an accused child molester to vacation in Florida.Frank Atherton,46 says he plans to visit Disney World,"We would have objected further had we known that was where he was going,"said prosecutor Lise Lombardo.

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Having compassion for all sentient beings,after a Buddhist temple in Malaysia was infested with poisonous red ants,which the monks are religiously constrained from harming.We haven't found a solution so far,said temple volunteer Elma Lin,who did briefly try sucking up ants with a vacuum cleaner and freeing them in a nearby forest.

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Upgrades ,after a woman who died on a British Airways flight from Delki to London was moved to an empty seat in First Class in order to traumatize fewer passengers.

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The bdelloid rotifer worm,after scientists announced that no member of the microscopic species has had sex for at least the last 40 million years.The doscovery "certainly raises interesting questions about our understanding of evolutionary processes,"said biologist Dr. Tim Barraclough.

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Mitt Romney, after the presidential canidate,last week, alienated an audience of Cuban Americans in Miami by quotin,in stumbling Spanish,the Communist slogan "Fatherland or Death.We shall overcome!" Romney apparently didn't realize that the slogan has been used for decades by Fidel Castro to salute Cuba's revolution.

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Sinners,after Pope Benedict XVI declared that hell is not a metaphor,but a place where the dammed actually burn in everlasting fire, "It really exists and is eternal,"said the pope,"even if nobody talks about it much anymore.'

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Queen-size beds, after a University of Vienna study found that when men slept alongside their female partner,they woke up the next day less rested and with impaired cognitive functions. We were never meant to sleep in the same bed as each other, a sleep expert said.

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Anyone with waterfront property,after a leading hurricane expert,William Gray of Colordo State University,predicted a "very active" season,with five major hurricanes.The probability of a Katrina-size storm hitting the U.S. coast this year,Gray said,is 74 percent.

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Free Expression,after a California amusement park banned screaming on its roller coaster,the Scandia Screamer,to appease neighborhood residents."If you feel like you might make noise," an amusement park official advised,"cover your mouth."