Jokes Or Funny Stories

[dimedrop4]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes Tickle Me Elmo toys...(The toy laughs whenever you tickle it under the arms)...Well, young blonde Jessica is hired at this factory, and she reports to her first day on the job at 8:00am sharp.
The next day at 8:45am theres is a knock at the Manager's door...

The Foreman throws open the door, is completely irate, and begins to rant and rave about the new employee...He complains that she is incredibily slow, and the whole production line is backing up and putting everyone's schedule behind...The General Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor, and they're really beginning to pile up...At the end of the line stands Jessica surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles...The 2 men watch in amazement as Jessica cuts a little piece, of fabric, wraps it around 2 marbles, and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs....The General Manager bursts into laughter, and after several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Jessica.

"I'm sorry honey"...he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the job title I assigned you yesterday"....

"Your job is to give Elmo Two Test Tickles".....

[dimedrop4]

How to Impress A Woman:
Compliment Her,
Kiss Her,
Caress Her,
Love Her,
Comfort Her,
Protect Her,
Hold Her,
Spend Money on Her,
Wine and Dine Her,
Listen to Her,
Stand By Her,
Support Her,
Go to the End of the Earth for Her,
etc....

How to Impress a Man:
Show Up Naked,
Bring Beer.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Even after the recent Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren't smart.

I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment.

Anybody who would build a city 15 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone, and fill it with Republicans is a darn genius.....

[noreply66]

now that wasn't nice---

[BubbleGumTiger]

now that wasn't nice---

is that better............kantucky aint going to like that one........

[The Instructor]

Even after the recent Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren't smart.

I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment.

Anybody who would build a city 15 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone, and fill it with Republicans is a darn genius.....

[BubbleGumTiger]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.................The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[BubbleGumTiger]

California Poll

The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked
whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious
problem:


29% responded, "Yes, it is a serious problem."

71% responded, "No es una problema seriosa."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"'Good", she replied "Get your own darn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[nerkfan]

Three moles were in their little mole house underground. Daddy mole, Mama mole and Baby mole.

Daddy mole pops his head out of the hole and comes back down and says I smell pancakes.

Mama mole pops her head out of the hole and says I smell sausage.

Baby mole tries to pop his head out of the hole but he isn't big enough to get his head out. He come back in and say I can't smell anything but mole-asses.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airport:



Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.




It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about invasion of privacy or ethnic/racial profiling!!!!!

[gametime]

Subject: This is for those wives who don't know any better.



Sweet Tea .. . .

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.


When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start Gargling with it.

Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!


Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea.


I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Help!!!!



Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?

I put in a bid for a “Mickey Mouse Outfit”, and now it seems I'm only six minutes away from owning Obama and his entire cabinet....

[The Instructor]

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airport:



Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.




It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about invasion of privacy or ethnic/racial profiling!!!!!

I like it. It sounds like the perfect solution!

[BubbleGumTiger]

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?










Mace will do that to you.

[The Instructor]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[Charley Hustle]

A man walked into the produce section of a Florida supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some arse-hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he ..........added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "

Kentucky, sir." the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Kentucky?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and basketball players up there."

"Really?" said the manager "My wife is from Kentucky."

"No kidding?", replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

[gametime]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry

[gametime]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one night, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck , slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?' He said, 'I found the remote.

[gametime]

an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

'You have been to France before, Monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'

The American said, ''The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.

'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !'

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'