Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that rednecks are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.
So the lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game.
The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, "This game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.

You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the airphone, he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After an hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500. The redneck pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes up the redneck and asks, "Well, what does go up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"


The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[gametime]

Ed Zachary Disease....A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical advice from the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said "OK , take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now get down and craw reery reery fass to odderside of room." Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?" Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your a$$."

[1974Viking]

The Man Rules¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down!!
Finally , the guys' side of the story!!

We always hear, 'the rules', From the female side , Now here are the rules from the male side!!

These are our rules! Please note.... They are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports - It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us..

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really!

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! Straight IS a shape! Flat IS a shape!

For all the guys out there....Enjoy...

[BubbleGumTiger]

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months .
He walks to work 20 blocks every day
And passes a shoe store .


Each day he stops and looks in the window
To admire the Boccelli leather shoes ..
He wants those shoes so much . . .
it's all he can think about .
After about 2 months he saves the price
Of the shoes, $300, and purchases them .




Every Friday night the Italian community
Holds a dance in the church basement .



Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear
His new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time .
He asks Sophia to dance and
As they dance he asks her,


'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'


Startled, Sophia replies,
'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight,
But how do you know?'
Gennaro answers,
'I see the reflection in my new
$300 Boccelli leather shoes .


How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance,
And after a few minutes he asks,
' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'


Rosa answers,
'Yes, Gennaro, I do,
But how do you know that?'
He replies,
'I see the reflection in my new
$300 Boccelli leather shoes .


How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over
And the last song is being played,
Gennaro asks Carmela to dance .


Midway through the dance his face
Turns red .
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,
Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,
Please, please, tella me this true!'


Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight . '
Gennaro gasps,


'Thanka God . . . .
I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

























=

[1974Viking]

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting near his pad.

Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?

Indian: Dog no talk.

Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going?

Dog: Doin' all right.

Indian: [Extreme look of shock]

Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

Dog: Yep

Cowboy: How's he treating you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

Indian: [look of disbelief]

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Indian: Horse no talk.

Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?

Horse: Cool.

Indian: [extreme look of shock]

Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

Horse: Yep

Cowboy: How's he treating you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Indian: [total look of amazement]

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?

Indian: Sheep lie!

[Manwithplan]

[BubbleGumTiger]

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!'.....Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

[noreply66]

those people have hybrofalseface

[1974Viking]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

Lecturer, she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, " Tonto Goldstein , but my friends call me Bubba."

[mustang_lvr]

funny

[Leo Byrd]

The first testicular guard, the "Cup", was used in Hockey in 1874, and the first helmet was used in 1974.

That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.



































Ladies.....Quit Laughing!!!

[BubbleGumTiger]

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot Old Blue, before he talks to your mother.

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

[noreply66]

I think I know him--from southern Ohio--right

[BubbleGumTiger]

I think I know him--from southern Ohio--right

I heard he comes from a village 10 miles south of Logan.......

[BubbleGumTiger]

Hi Mom , How are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware."

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call."

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."

"What on earth ~ why did you do that ?????"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

[Tiger Lady]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.


She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.


For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.


Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[noreply66]

I think I know him--from southern Ohio--right

I heard he comes from a village 10 miles south of Logan.......

no village 10 miles south of Logan?????

[Tiger Lady]

What A Coincidence!

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a
glass of champagne...

The woman perks up and says, 'How about
that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'


'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am
celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also
celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says
the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you
celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child
for years and today my gynecologist told me that I am
pregnant!'


'What a coincidence,'
says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were
infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized
eggs.'


'That's great!' says
the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.


The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.

[1974Viking]

A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.

Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep....


Now give me back my dog.

[1974Viking]

Gentle Thoughts For Today


Birds
of a feather flock together . . . .and then crap on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body
and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL?
If you
can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame….

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really
in trouble….

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells
'Theirs'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it….

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know
'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of
Algebra…..

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks…

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice
change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is
comfortable…..