Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

[toast]

It's odd how little we've heard lately from the skeptics who deny that climate change is real.

What's the matter, people? Heat stroke?

[1974Viking]

THE WEDDING TEST


I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[noreply66]

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?' The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'

[BubbleGumTiger]

THE ROOM WAS FULL OF PREGNANT WOMEN WITH THEIR PARTNERS. THE CLASS WAS IN FULL SWING.



THE INSTRUCTOR WAS TEACHING THE WOMEN HOW TO BREATHE PROPERLY AND WAS TELLING THE MEN HOW TO GIVE THE NECESSARY ASSURANCE TO THEIR PARTNERS AT THIS STAGE OF THE PREGNANCY.



SHE SAID "LADIES, REMEMBER THAT EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU. WALKING IS ESPECIALLY BENEFICIAL. IT STRENGTHENS THE PELVIC MUSCLES AND WILL MAKE DELIVERY THAT MUCH EASIER!"



SHE LOOKED AT THE MEN IN THE ROOM, "AND GENTLEMEN, REMEMBER -- YOU'RE IN THIS TOGETHER --- IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU TO GO WALKING WITH HER."



THE ROOM SUDDENLY GOT VERY QUIET AS THE MEN ABSORBED THIS INFORMATION.



THEN A MAN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM SLOWLY RAISED HIS HAND.



"YES?" ANSWERED THE TEACHER.



"I WAS JUST WONDERING. IS IT ALL RIGHT IF SHE CARRIES A GOLF BAG WHILE WE WALK?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

[Vladd]

What is the difference between President Obama and his Dog Bo? Bo has His Birth Papers

[nerkfan]

PONDERISMS

1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

3· Life is sexually transmitted.

4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it Normal.

11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever Comes out'?

13· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

14· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

15· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?


17· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

18· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

19· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

[Burg_Grad_77]

New Panties

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short
skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments
she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never heard the gunshot.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A WARNING FROM MUSLIM LEADERS

This morning a coalition of Muslim leaders warned the United States that if
military action against Muslim countries continues, they intend to cut off
America's supply of 7-11 Managers and Motel 6 Managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next,
followed by DELL, AT&T and AOL customer service reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more candidates for President either.

It's gonna get ugly, people!

[BubbleGumTiger]

You who worry about Democrats versus Republicans--relax, here is our real problem:

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States.

It was pretty simple the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately
started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, “What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same kind of 18-year-olds that just voted in our last election!

They breed; and they walk among us! And, unfortunately, they vote.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Farming in Iowa is tough......

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door . He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'

He nodded his head and said, ' Yes ma'am,' and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'

The farmer said, 'Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'

He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.

She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, 'The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.'

[noreply66]

Depression was 8 year of the Hedge

[TheMalteseFalcon]

Depression was 8 year of the Hedge

.....and the recovery has been quick and decisive.

(now THAT'S a funny joke right there).

[Runner]

Late One Night......



She came to me late one night and explored my body. She licked, sucked, and even swallowed! When satisfied, she left & I was hurt!!





darn mosquito!

[1974Viking]

[quote="Runner"]Late One Night......



She came to me late one night and explored my body. She licked, sucked, and even swallowed! When satisfied, she left & I was hurt!!





darn mosquito![/quote

That was funny,Thanks for the laugh