Jokes Or Funny Stories

[gametime]

IT WAS MY FIRST TIME EVER.

AND I'LL NEVER FORGET.

I'D DO IT AGAIN.

WITHOUT A SINGLE REGRET.

THE SKY WAS DARK.

THE MOON WAS HIGH.

WE WERE ALL ALONE.

JUST SHE AND I.

HER HAIR WAS SOFT.

HER EYES WERE BLUE.

I KNEW JUST WHAT,

SHE WANTED TO DO.

HER SKIN SO SOFT.

HER LEGS SO FINE.

I RAN MY FINGERS,

DOWN HER SPINE.

I DIDN'T KNOW HOW,

BUT I TRIED MY BEST.

I STARTED BY PLACING.

MY HAND ON HER BREAST.

I REMEMBER MY FEAR.

MY FAST BEATING HEART.

BUT SLOWLY SHE SREAD.

HER LEGS APART.

AND WHEN I DID IT.

I FELT NO SHAME.

ALL AT ONCE.

THE WHITE STUFF CAME.

AT LAST IT'S FINISHED.

IT'S ALL OVER NOW.

MY FIRST TIME EVER.

AT MILKING A COW!!!!!!!

[gametime]

THE MOST COMMON SEXUAL POSITION IN MARRIED COUPLES TODAY IS DOGGY STYLE.HUSBAND SITS & BEGS AND WIFE ROLLS OVER & PLAYS DEAD.

[BubbleGumTiger]

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through Menopause?


A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

[BubbleGumTiger]

THE DOT

FINALLY,AFTER MUCH INVESTIGATION SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of

us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion,

but the Indian embassy in Ottawahas recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On
her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he

has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab,
or a motel in the United States .


If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and
provide us with technical advice.

[gametime]

Mike was going to be married to Laura, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night, I took off my pants handed them to your mother and told her to try them on, she did and said 'they're too big, I can't wear them.' I told her 'exactly.. I wear the pants in the family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems." Mike thought it was a good thing to try. On his honeymoon Mike took off his pants and told Laura to try them on, she did and said "these are too large, they don't fit me" Mike told her "exactly I wear the pants in the family dont forget it" So Laura took off her panties and said "here try mine" Mike did and said "I can't get into your panties" Laura said "exactly! and if you dont change your smart a$$ attitude you never will!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest at our after-hours meeting last night by 1 point.

Not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently the correct answer is Fiji .

[Charley Hustle]

-We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

[BubbleGumTiger]

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

[Leo Byrd]

People of all faiths need to remember these Four Great Religious Truths:



1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor store

[BubbleGumTiger]

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

[caglewis]

The old cowboy

One Sunday morning, an old cowboy entered a church just
before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were
spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were worn and
ragged. In his hand he carried a worn-out old hat and an equally worn,
dog-eared Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive
part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old
cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with
expensive clothes and fine jewelry. As the cowboy took a seat, the others
moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were
all appalled by his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher
approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back
in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be
appropriate attire for worship in church." The old cowboy assured the
preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing
the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely
shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the cowboy and said, "I thought
I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"And what was his reply?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that he didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said he'd never been in this church."

Exactly why I QUIT attending church and believing anything they claimed - got their REAL message!!

[Tiger Lady]

WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counsellors available

[KVDW]

MICOE

(MEN In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR WOMEN!
OPEN TO WOMEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of TWO participants. We know it's a difficult concept for you to learn.

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

IS COOKING AT HOME HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH?
Step by step guide to turning on the burners

IS HAULING THE KIDS TO DAYCARE A MOTHER'S FUNCTION?
Learn what MOTHERS are REALLY for in one easy step.

MAINTAINING YOUR OWN VEHICLE
Equal opportunity oil changing and tire replacement instructions

IS ONE HALF INCH OF DUST ON EVERYTHING NATURAL ?
Learning that it does not actually accumulate that deep over night?

KEEPING THE FRIDGE STOCKED WITH BEER
Learning that men don't like iced tea with Monday night football. Get over it.

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Learning to leave things where the man of the house puts them so he won't HAVE to hunt for them.

LEARNING THAT CIGAR SMOKE IS FINE.
Placing AIR-WICK in every room is a no-no. It burns the eyes.

LEARNING TO MAKE YOUR MAN LOOK NICE
That funny shaped thing you got for Christmas isn't a paperweight. It's for ironing clothes.
(Two hour instruction in identifying homemaking equipment and their uses.)

FULL MILK CARTONS
They were intended to be in the fridge; not on the grocer's shelf.

LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOURELF.
Four hour session on basic homemaking. It ain't rocket science.

KEEPING THE FAMILY TOGETHER.
Learning that a home cooked evening meal together AT HOME isn't above your paygrade.
(Your Mother raised you ONCE. Is it necessary to take your whole brood back there for supper every Sunday?)

LEARNING THE TRUE USE FOR POTS AND PANS.
They weren't meant to hang on a nice rack to impress and fool your company. Try them out... it can be fun.

LEARNING THAT WEARING A SKIRT OR DRESS IS NOT DEGRADING
Pants are fine for men but most female butts are WAAAY to big for them.
(Honey, do these pants make my butt look big?
No, honey. Your butt makes the pants look big !! )


GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING RIGHT ONLY ON RARE OCCASIONS.




DAY TWO:

All day refresher course on everything learned in day one.
(Pay attention this time).

[BubbleGumTiger]

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He
picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that
had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

[BubbleGumTiger]

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just
wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write,
and they won't let me talk!'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Ahkmed the Arab came to Canada from the Middle East, and he was in Toronto a few
months when he became very ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: 'Take dees bucket, go into de
odder room, poop in de bucket,pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de
bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on
the poop,bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong
with me?'

The doctor said .... 'You were homesick'

[BubbleGumTiger]

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'